NO MAS

If I have to take a knee,
I will; or not get off
the stool between rounds;
instead of my manager,
I will throw in the towel;
I will raise my hands
& surrender;
I will admit
that it's stronger
than even me;
tougher;
smarter;
more experienced,
focused,
and inexhaustible.

I've held onto it
grimly, like rosary beads
in a death-grip;
misery was like
a religion,
a calling
for me.
It sounded
its trumpets
& danced
in a game
that was rigged
from the beginning.
Amazing,
how much energy
I burned fueling
my anger--I could have
knocked-out the suns
of every solar system
seen
or not.
I carried it
like a rat
gnawing at
my pocket.

I did this
not for hours,
or days or months
or years,
but for decades.
What a waste
it's been--
like pissing
down your own leg:
nobody knows it--
except yourself.

I will leave death
little enough.
But no longer
will I be stingy
with myself:
pleasures,
all pleasures
that doesn't stink
of artificiality
will be courted.
I wish to punish
no one,
especially
myself.

Norman Savage
Greenwich Village, 2014